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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

To Wholly Kiss

I so love the quotation from eecummings that I've chosen for my blog's description. It sums up so clearly for me the change in direction that I have chosen for my life. The first, very large part of my life was shaped by “syntax”, by doing what I believed was 'The Right Thing' to do, and by using that as a way to safely tread through life without having to make too many scary decisions.

Instead of independently deciding my own direction, I abdicated responsibility and was happy to allow 'The Right Thing' to determine it. Once I had given my word, I would follow it through to the ultimate extent, regardless of the harm it then brought me. Oh dear. (There are stories to share about this chapter of my life, but I need to work toward telling them. Keep waiting!)

However, as time gently showed me the pain and damage that I chose to experience through fear of doing 'The Wrong Thing', I decided to branch out and find my own path. Following my own direction and my own course of action has been something I’ve needed to grow into little by little. I’m learning to know my own feelings and to be confident enough with them to use them to guide me towards what is right for me and my family. I want to be so present in my own life and experiences that I do “wholly kiss” and experience what life allows me to experience.

It’s been a 12 year journey for me towards the world of feelings and my own choices. I used to be someone who was truly unsettled and discomforted by what I thought others thought of me. The ideas I thought others  held of me had pre-eminence in my mind, and I was more the product of those ideas than being organically and truly myself. Now, I am intrigued by how others might see me, since I know we all see things in each other that we are personally unaware of. However, I am comfortable knowing that while many people out there really do like and love me, there are some who really don’t. Being truly and deeply comfortable in my own skin is what is of primary significance to me now.

To “wholly kiss”, and to be wholly kissed by, life is what I am now impassioned to seek out.

Does this eecummings quotation speak to you? Do you have quotations that live in your heart and shape how you guide yourself?

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